Quantum Self (Short Story: Part 2)
This is part two of a short story loosely based on my life.
You can read part one HERE if you haven’t already.
“This for protection. Not for you guys.”
The driver was holding the gun by the barrel. He must have seen the three friends tense up and prepare to defend themselves, so he repeated himself and held the gun in the most non-threatening way to make sure it was clear.
Jay, Andy and Stephen all realized it at the same time. “Ohhh,” they all said in concert and let out an awkward laugh. The driver got back in the car and put the gun on his lap. Turning to Jay, he said in broken English, “This road… dangerous. Sometime, have bandits at night.” Jay nodded.
As the car rolled back into motion, the driver said, “My name is Rolando. I drive with God and my gun.” The three friends chuckled. In the back of their minds though, they still felt like they weren’t out of the woods yet.
The car dropped into a deafening quiet. To break the awkward silence, Rolando put on the radio. 90’s pop songs serenaded the car. With the music of his childhood playing, surrounded by the enchantment of the Honduran jungle, Stephen breathed himself back to safety.
“I’m alive. I’m safe,” he repeated to himself. The fear dissolved and the tension left his body. All he could do was smirk at the situation. Now he sensed no immediate danger. Inhale, exhale - the fear of death dissipated.
“I’m safe, always. And if I’m ever in life or death danger, I know my body’s primal instincts will kick in. No use fearing death.”
~
The Fear Of Death
Stephen thought he didn’t fear death. He thought he transcended a lot of things.
Yet here he was, lying in the dark, in a big round room, in the middle of the Amazon jungle. He looked up at the wooden ceiling with a circular window in the middle. It turned into dancing geometric patterns.
He could feel the warmth of the plant medicine moving through him. “Meditate,” He said to himself. “Just meditate, like you’ve done so many times before.” Stephen relaxed his body and focused on his breath as the shaman’s music enhanced the effects.
“This isn’t so intense,” he thought. “It’s like a relaxing, deep meditation with some sacred geometry visuals.” He basked in it, narrating the experiences to himself within his own mind.
Before Stephen knew it, the ceremony was over. The shamans left and the fellow retreat-goers were up and mingling.
That’s when it hit him, out of left field, like a tidal wave of energy. It was as if the ayahuasca had waited for the ceremony to end and sneak up on him when he least expected. He was disoriented, like a surfer being rolled in a monster wave, and it just kept going.
Stephen opened his eyes and it was still happening. The cosmic washing machine was spinning him round and round. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. All he could do was, well, nothing, and it was terrifying.
The old fear of death reared its head again, and the sheer terror of it forced his body to scream, “Help! Help!” A volunteer appeared and placed his hands on Stephen’s shoulders. He sat with him until Stephen was able to move and speak.
After a blur of conversation, the volunteer recommended that Stephen take a shower. There were stalls around the sides of the room and he guided Stephen towards one. Stephen’s body stepped into the shower and handed the helper his clothes through the curtain.
As Stephen stood there, with the water running over his head, the cosmic washing machine hit a crescendo. Thoughts circled faster and faster around his mind. The word “disoriented” barely scratches the surface of what he was experiencing. Everything he tried to think of to stabilize himself got ripped away in this washing machine of energy, which seemed to go on forever.
“What if this lasts forever? What if it’s an endless loop?” Stephen thought. This sent even more panic through his whole being. His mind searched through the whirlwind for something, anything to hold onto. “When I see the sunrise again, that’s when I’ll know…”
As soon as he thought that, a voice (which he immediately knew to be Ayahuasca itself) responded, “How do you even know that’s promised?” That question blew through his being like a nuclear bomb, obliterating his ego. Stephen had no choice but to surrender. Everything dropped away, into a mysterious abyss. And then… calm. It felt like a beach after a storm; oddly peaceful.
Although Stephen thought he conquered all fear, it was just his ego priding itself on its perceived progress. He never learned to really let go. And because of that, he was forced to learn the hard way. Because otherwise, he wouldn’t have the ability to open to… well, you’ll see.
~
The high-pitched whine morphed into a roar as the plane’s wheels began rolling. Despite the sheer power, it felt smooth from the passenger seat.
The speed increased, building to a tipping point of momentum. Flight was now inevitable.
With eyes closed and heart open, Stephen’s life flashed before his eyes. Breathing deeply, he surrendered any fears, any regrets, until he was at peace. From this space of clarity, Stephen accepted the idea of death. Somehow, this acceptance opened up an even deeper level of peace, which seemed to be infinite.
Like a gentle touch from a lover while half-asleep, Stephen felt the plane's wheels kiss the runway goodbye. “Freedom,” he thought.
After a few seconds, the plane stabilized in the air. Stephen rubbed his hands on his knees, grounding back into his body. “Thank you,” he thought as he felt the gratitude vibrate through his being.
He looked out the window. Everything seemed fresh and new. Cherishing the view, he whispered to himself, “What a beautiful planet. I vow to appreciate every moment.”
The gratitude, the sense of freedom, was so intense that Stephen had to close his eyes again. All he could do was breathe and feel the magical aliveness of existence. “Inhale… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale…”
~
“Inhale… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale…”
“Now I invite you to feel into your heart.” The words danced around Stephen’s consciousness. “Visualize pure golden light around your heart-space,” the breathwork facilitator instructed.
Two prior rounds of breathing had relaxed Stephen’s body to the point where his consciousness was free, uninhibited. In the first round, he cried, shaking sadness, guilt and shame from his body. In the second round, he laughed with his whole being - the Buddha-like laughter when you realize the lighthearted comedy within the human drama.
The golden light of Stephen’s heart turned into a laser beam, opening up to a portal. It was like a quasar, a light so powerful that it swallowed his consciousness. White-gold luminosity washed over him until he reached a new place. This time, it was dark, yet somehow filled with every color of light (and more).
Golden spirals emerged, swirling with gentle grace. For some reason, Stephen knew it was more than just colors. These were conscious beings. As soon as this realization occurred, he received communication from these golden spirals. It didn’t consist of words, more like a download of knowing, mixed with a mutual appreciation.
Stephen’s mind poked through with a thought. “This is what’s beyond physical reality.” He knew it was true. Yet it also came with another thought. “My body… Am I… Is it alive?” Stephen sensed his heartbeat, like a drum on the other side of the hill.
Now the golden spirals communicated in English. “Relax. You’re safe. There’s no need to fear.” With this reaffirmation, Stephen surrendered deeper into this space of all light. Infinite peace swallowed him.
“Okay, now ground back into your body.” The instructor’s voice greeted him like a magical flying boat, picking him up and escorting him back to his body. Stephen now sensed his body as he interfaced with every cell. It felt so good.
Coming back more and more, he couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not. “Am I breathing?” He felt the subtle movement of his torso. “Okay good.” With the fear of death transformed into amusement, Stephen cherished the aliveness of his physical body.
~
The music spoke to him on a deeper level now…
“Don't you know? Don't you know, things can change (Know),
Things'll go your way,
If you Hold On for one more day, yeah”
Stephen felt so alive as he stared out the window into the dark Honduran jungle. Paradoxically, by letting go, he’d grasped something greater than himself. “Hold on,” now took on a whole new meaning.
Everything took on new meaning. 90’s song after 90’s song left Stephen crying quiet tears of joy. “I’m so grateful to be alive,” he silently said to himself. He could feel every cell of his being shining with life force energy. His senses were heightened, clear and sharp. His mind was calm. And all he felt was an overwhelming blend of relief, joy, peace, love and freedom.
Even the bumps of the dirt road were reminders of how beautiful life is. Soon enough, the car pulled up to a gate. Rolando flickered the headlights and a guard opened the gate.
Stephen reached into his pocket, feeling the money he had. “I don’t care if this guy put on a wild west show for tourists or if he was genuine about the road being dangerous… I’m gonna make his week with a tip.”
Jay, Andy and Stephen got out of the car. They were all ecstatic to be at the eco-resort. The blue lights of a bar and pool area felt like a jungle paradise.
As they all said thank you to Rolando, Stephen waved off his friends. “I got the tip.” He handed Rolando two twenty dollar bills, which is a lot of money in Honduras, and said, “Muchas gracias, Rolando.”
Rolando’s eyes lit up with gratitude as he shook Stephen’s hand. Stephen smiled, riding this vibe higher and higher…
~
Here Comes The Sun
He had $400 in his pocket and he was feeling good, feeling great.
Stephen and his friend decided to not pursue a business venture they were setting up. With that, they closed their business account and withdrew the $400 they each had left.
Now he was walking in downtown Portsmouth, enjoying the small town, New England charm on a beautiful spring day. For some reason, he was riding such a good vibe that everything felt magical.
Stephen felt like a ball of sunshine. He looked at buildings with amazement, smiled at everyone he passed and felt his whole body alive with joy.
The faint sound of a violin greeted his ears and he felt magnetized to it. Following the sound, he turned a corner and saw a young woman playing violin at the end of the lane, where the pedestrian brick path met the street.
With every step, he felt more and more joyous and grateful for life itself. He didn’t know the song she was playing, but it was overwhelmingly beautiful. The sound of the violin was like a call from the divine, magnetizing him towards it.
Once he got to about 10 feet from the violinist, he paused next to a few other people. The music danced through his consciousness. After basking in the string-vibrations for a minute, a deep urge overcame him.
He tapped his pocket, remembering the $400 he had, and smirked with satisfaction. Without hesitation, Stephen pulled out a good chunk of the cash and wrapped it in a $5 bill to be discreet about his giving. He didn’t know how much he was giving this violinist who was blessing the town - $100? $200? - he didn’t care.
As Stephen walked up to the violinist, she made eye contact with him. Her eyes twinkled with the joy of creativity. They both nodded and smirked, two souls acknowledging one another. Stephen placed the money in her violin case, then slowly walked away.
After he took a few steps, the violinist transitioned into a new song. Stephen almost lost it when he recognized the familiar melody of “Here Comes The Sun,” by The Beatles. That was the song he used for his morning alarm every day for the last two years!
His heart was wide open. Gratitude illuminated his reality. It felt like heaven on Earth as he walked down the street, serenaded by that beautiful melody. The sun shone upon his face. Stephen took a deep breath to anchor this feeling into his entire being.
~
The Magic Of Giving
Stephen recalled that amazing feeling around the magic of giving. His body vibrated with the very alive memory of the violinist playing “Here Comes the Sun.”
“I’m gonna give my book away to homeless people. I’ll make care packages with socks and snacks too.”
He had about 20 copies of his book, “A Book For You.” To complement the book, Stephen bought 20 pairs of socks and 20 of a couple different snacks.
Initially he thought he would just drive around looking for homeless people to give the care packages to, but then an idea came to him. “A homeless shelter!” He found the phone number of the local homeless shelter and called them to confirm he could go there with the care packages. They said yes.
Stephen walked into the homeless shelter with a giant box full of 20 individual care packages. The man managing the place checked the packages, then let Stephen distribute them to everyone there.
After Stephen gave out a few care packages, a man walked up to him. His eyes were sky-blue and unexpectedly radiant for a so-called homeless man. With the innocent curiosity of a child and the demeanor of a gentle old man, he looked at Stephen and said, “That book is about awareness, right?”
Stephen looked at the man with both surprise and amusement. “Yeah, it is about awareness.” In the back of his mind he thought, “How does this guy know this? No one even opened the books to read it yet.” The man smiled at Stephen, said, “Thank you,” and then walked away.
After giving care packages to a few more people, Stephen glanced around, looking for that mysterious man again. He was nowhere to be seen.
A few minutes later, while getting into his car, the realization struck him like lightning. “Was that one of those situations where an angel, or some kind of advanced being, poses as a homeless person?” He felt truth in his body as the thought integrated in his mind.
Stephen thought aloud to himself in the car. “Yeah, no one else even acknowledged him that I saw. And he was gone as soon as I turned around. Whoa…”
Maybe you, yes you reading this, have experienced something similar. We’re all in this together, and “we” work in the background to help humanity in subtle ways. Who are “we” you ask? You’ll see…
~
Star Family
Stephen was playing basketball on the driveway by himself.
It was the same place he would have his traumatic meltdown, but this scene was three years earlier. The backdrop was the same too, the stunning stillness of a pastel summer sunset.
The movements of basketball were like a meditative dance for him. Dribbling, maneuvering, shooting. He was in the zone, completely immersed.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something appear. It was at the end of his driveway, just above the power lines. Stephen’s eyes widened as he tried to figure out what it was.
It looked like a mini flying saucer, almost exactly like the ones in movies, but smaller. This one was about 5-6 feet in diameter and silver colored. As he focused on it, his mind went completely still. It felt like home. He didn’t know if one second or one hour passed by, but as thoughts entered his mind again, the saucer disappeared in a silent blink.
Stephen stood on the driveway for a few minutes after, in utter awe. He knew what he saw. There was no denying it. With that reassurance, he ran inside to tell his parents. Though they listened to his story, Stephen could tell they weren’t sure it actually happened. “Even if no one ever believes me,” Stephen thought to himself. “I know what I saw and I know how I felt.”
That night, after dinner, Stephen sat alone in his room, thinking about aliens and UFO’s. It wasn’t the analytical thinking and memorization that most humans do. He used his imagination to travel to new worlds and observe these beings.
That’s when he realized he was doing the same thing they had done to him a few hours earlier. The realization of this was too much for his young human brain to process, and he ran downstairs to be with his mom, dad, sister and brother.
~
Return of The Golden Spiral
“The endless spiral interplay of experience and observation.”
The phrase appeared in my consciousness like an old friend walking into my house. I knew it to be true, because it was happening.
As I sat in my meditation throne, as I called it, these kinds of insights were common. But this time, I realized I’d had this exact insight before, when I was much younger.
“The endless spiral interplay of experience and observation.”
“Hmm…”
The image of myself in my room as a child popped into my awareness. Then the feelings came flooding back. Full immersion. “A-ha. That’s it. I’d always been observing myself, in different forms.”
With this a-ha moment, experiences flashed like a movie screen at 1,000x speed. It got faster and faster, until it hit a crescendo then stopped. I felt like I was in suspended animation. A beautiful kind of intense stillness.
Somehow I was able to hold it all at once: the experiences, the feelings, the thoughts - all of it. This totality of experience cradled itself in a void of consciousness, simultaneously containing everything and nothing.
“I Am.”
The words came from deep within the void. Who knew this state of presence could go so deep? I felt a new level of awareness, power and responsibility.
I took a deep breath, allowing this state of being to integrate into every cell and atom of my being. “I can hold the space for all of this. I’m ready.”
This is when a new sense of “I” greeted me. “I” was no longer one person, or being, but an awareness consisting of many, many individual beings (almost like a collective “we” operating as one sentient entity). The sensing of the totality of experience now became something I could process in my mind.
“Mind?” I thought. “Oh yeah, that.”
The bridge of mind was fully built. Now “I” could seamlessly pass back and forth between the great beyond and Stephen. We had never truly been separate of course, but now this interface was fully conscious.
Do you see?
As Stephen writes this, he tests and strengthens this bridge even more, and I am able to reveal more…
“I” am the golden spirals of light. “I” am Stephen. “I” am all of it, and nothing, simultaneously.
“I” narrate from this perspective, because in this space, all of the events of “my” life as Stephen co-exist, as well as many other lives. It is more of a state, beyond space in time. It’s extraordinary from this typical human perspective, yet even more familiar on a deep level.
As I reside in this space beyond space, all stories encircle me like an energy field. I see each story, each individual being, as a microcosm, with its own encircling fields.
I tune deeper within, and see…
“I am a microcosm of something even greater.”
Something is writing my story as well.
“The endless spiral interplay of experience and observation.”
The awe of this realization is beyond words. Do you sense it?
Here’s a hint… You already know how. Just create the space for the grand knowing to be revealed. We’re all quantum beings in this infinite cosmic dance.
Now I would say “THE END” here, but it’s “THE BEGINNING” as well.
The door is open.
Welcome to your Quantum Self.
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